Above: Peter James Fordham - The person who got me through the worst.
In 2004 I was subjected to what I can only describe as a brutal and viscious sexual assault. It was committed in such a violent and torturous way I was too ashamed and scared to tell anyone what had been done to me. What made it worse was the fact that it was done to me by someone I trusted and had known for almost ten peaceful years. The pain of everything I went through still haunts me today. I deifnately changed as a result of what I was put through, I became withdrawn -isolating myself from any social interaction, constantly scared and anxious, and I slowly began to loathe everything I was. I dont think anyone can fully understand what being raped can do to a person unless they experience it themselves. The violence involved within the act is horrific, but I think for me there was only so much pain my body could feel and so in the end I just started feeling numb. All I could think was "What have I done to make him hate me so much?" After the event I became a ghost of my former self, I wouldnt wear any coloured clothes, no make up or I wouldnt even try to present myself in any form of beauty because I didnt want anyone to notice me. I found that by isolating myself I was just becoming consumed in all my self destructive thoughts, almost like I was in a constant nightmare, fearing what might be round the corner to punish me next. It is now almost three years since the attack and I am a new person. I no longer feel this hatred for myself, because I realised their was nothing I could have done to prevent what happened and that I wasn't being punished for being me. It was just an unpredicatble and irreversible event. I know that I can get through this and still be me, I can still be who I want to be because it is my life, I am in control of what I do, no one else. I am not a victim!
In order to get through the last 2 years I attended councelling and hypnotherepy, but found that for me it didnt help to talk to a complete stranger, and I just didnt really let myself be drawn in by the whole "you are in a garden, walk to the bottom of the garden, you meet your spirit guide..what does she say to you" crap. Im just not the type of person that finds any of that helpful. For me the best form of therepy has been to use my emotions as a form of creativity, I have produced a few paintings based on rape, anger, fear and any emotion I was feeling at the time. As well as this I have had someone in my life who I could just sit in silence with and have them make me feel a million times better than I was. It was really just about knowing I had someone who loved me and cared for me, knowing that I was safe now, away from any more harm and knowing I could move on from this and still be who I wanted to be. After the attack I decided to stop trying, I lost confidence in myself, it was this person that pushed me to pursue my photography. I dont think I would be where I am today if he hadn't been there supporting me each day. Of corse I have bad days like everyone else, but I learn to get through them and live each day as a new start. There is always going to be someone to help.
